Important Meditation on Space

Posted on October 3, 2015 by Adam Cox

Readers of this blog know that they can expect perspectives of youth not found elsewhere. I’m really hoping to connect with kindred spirits about topics that can change the lives of kids for the better. Recently, I’ve discovered a book which resonates deeply with my own thoughts and writing about the essential role of agency in youth. The book is Savage Park: A Meditation On Play, Space, and Risk for Americans Who Are Nervous, Distracted, and Afraid To Die, by Amy Fusselman. Much of the book is dedicated to an examination of a Hanegi Playpark in Tokyo, near where Fusselman traveled with her young sons, to visit a friend. In the park she discovered a powerfully different presence of space, as well as the kinds of thinking and activity afforded by this space.

The key is that the playpark had all kinds of materials children could use to invent, imagine, and explore. There was much less emphasis on safety than exploration. Fusselman recognizes that this sort of balance would be altogether unacceptable at home in NYC, but appears to be so much more natural in Japan. There is some great cross-cultural analysis to be done here, but for me the book’s specialness lies in Fusselman’s understanding of how space and the materials of play function in concert to shape a child’s relationship to the world.

Consider this excerpt:

“..in toying with a stick, a kid is toying with the world in which he and the stick are a part, a world which is itself a combination of forces at play in a way that is so sophisticated that we have barely even begun to explain it.”

That is the best insight into the majestic and powerful importance of playing with a stick that I have ever read.That sort of play shapes the mind on so many levels, and in our culture, is quickly overlooked as we glom onto stories of worry. I think we may have forgotten that being a good steward of childhood is as much about freeing young people as it is about protecting them. Deep thanks to Amy Fusselman for being a voice of uncommon sense, and for a book that inspires a more meaningful conversation about youth.

How to Reduce Drama, Improve Grades

Posted on September 21, 2015 by Adam Cox

There is only so much emotion to go around during the course of the school day. If all of it gets invested in grades, relatively less is available for the important stuff, like discussion, debate and sustained attention.

So, how can schools effectively reduce the drama associated with grades?

One very straightforward approach is to make grading less mysterious. This is already the case in many Math and Science courses, but continues to haunt Humanities courses where there is typically evaluation of writing and thought. I strongly advocate the distribution of sample papers as a means of reducing stress, improving clarity, and making students more accountable for the quality of their work. This could involve passing out several samples of “A” and “C” papers at the beginning of a semester, so that students can see and hear the qualitative differences in the best work vs. mediocre work. This works best when there are several examples of each level, so that students can see there is more than one road to excellence. I am not suggesting a dry rubric, but actual samples of student writing – ones that provide the kind of “melody” and reasoning that make teachers swoon! Also, the samples do not need to be related to the works currently being taught in a particular course.

To me, this is very fair to students, and helps to eliminate their fear that teachers are subjective or biased. It is also a superb teaching moment in that students are provided with an example of what excellence vs. mediocrity looks like. In any endeavor, that sort of coaching and clarity assumes we want the learner to ascend to excellence, and that their chances of doing so are better where they have a model of what excellence looks like! We learn to do virtually everything better where an example is provided – why not do this more often in school?

Please consider providing this type of guide for your own students – and watch how much more quickly they seem to learn. School should test the acquisition of knowledge, but I see little value in assessing whether students can correctly imagine what high quality work looks like to a particular teacher.

Searching for Authenticity

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Adam Cox

For two decades I’ve been wrestling with the challenges of youth, trying to address the most pressing issues in constructive and novel ways. The landscape of child and adolescent psychology is not flat. Specifically, not all issues or challenges are equal in significance. And with that premise in mind, why should we spend 80% of our time working on problems that only make up 10% of the difference in life?

There are tough decisions to be made that involve a degree of judgment about what matters, and what doesn’t. In the early part of my career I spent considerable time doing psychological testing, analyzing data about learning differences, intelligence, and aptitude. I don’t disregard those details, although now I see other issues which figure more prominently in a person’s well-being. For example, I find it less important to understand relatively small differences in cognitive processing, relative to whether or not a young person has a sufficient understanding of him or herself. Does that person have any sense of where she or he belongs, and why?

Self-knowledge is serious business. To know oneself is a bridge to authenticity, and in my view, authenticity is the key to living life as a whole, and fulfilled, person. Such concerns can seem abstract, or besides the point to some. But that sort of skepticism is deceptive; it’s just our mind playing tricks on us, insisting that we live in a state of perpetual anxiety about test scores, grades, and how a child measures up to others, rather than how well his life measures up to his own ideals.

The great agrarian poet and essayist Wendell Berry has written that our destiny as a civilization “turns on affection.” By this he means that the fate of communities, our basic regard for one another, and our ability to be effective stewards of the world, is based upon our capacity for affection for one another and the earth itself. This is one of the greatest insights I know, and I carry it in my pocket daily.

I believe that a corollary with respect to the specific needs of youth is that it all turns on authenticity. Quite frankly, there is no point in becoming a learned person about facts, history, or otherwise, unless one becomes equally learned about oneself. Who can lead while knowing nothing of him or herself? Who can follow or even fully love someone who has not acquired enough self-knowledge to be a whole human being? Of course education and self-knowledge are not separate pursuits. Young people want to learn about themselves as a function of becoming a learned person. It is the fusion of these learning trajectories that makes life interesting.

In calling for a wisdom culture in On Purpose Before Twenty, I tried to make this point in some depth. Yet it is a difficult argument to make in the face of massive social anxiety about attaining enough success: good grades, university admission, money, etc. Those sorts of urgencies are not just distractions, they become directional markers. It’s not that they are unimportant, but the emotional energy invested in such worries draws us individually and collectively off course, toward concerns that are peripheral to the greatest sources of happiness and well-being in life.

Writing on these issues, I must accept that readers will sometimes want more specific solutions than I am able to offer. But still I cling to a hope that my work will find a community of readers invested in the big picture. With regard to that hope, I am gratified that On Purpose Before Twenty has been selected by noted author and Center for Courage and Renewal founder Parker Palmer as one of the most “courageous books of 2014.” I am humbled that an author of Palmer’s renown and influence has even read my book.

I’ve written at some length about the importance of creating school-based activities that promote student authenticity. I am especially supportive of forums for the discussion of personal ideas and perspectives, facilitated by leaders who understand the relevance of individual differences and commonalities to young people. I believe these types of interactions are as important as any other topic a young person might pursue. I trust they will be one of the most memorable and influential parts of school.

However, tHowever, this is not an easy task for schools given the demands of scheduling and rival priorities. Accordingly, I have become more interested in trying to organize such interactions as a component of my clinical practice. To the greatest extent possible, I work to make authenticity a cornerstone of individual psychotherapy. I find that such conversations are surprising to kids, because most believe they are being sent to therapy to deal with a “problem,” rather than acquire self-knowledge. I believe the majority come to therapy expecting to be harangued.

Yet it is another kind of conversation – one which does not begin with a behavioral agenda, and which does not end with a “contract to change one’s behavior” – which is more compelling to young people. Conversations pertaining to authenticity draw young people toward the dynamic center of their own being. It’s an excursion fueled by natural curiosity and discovery. A therapist does not need to sell a young person on the value of exploring what is most important to him or herself. Primarily, they need to ask the right questions, and then be prepared to listen. Should it surprise us that young people are far less interested in being corrected than having someone bear witness to their own psychological growth?

It’s these encounters that make psychotherapy a transformative and valuable experience. Whatever else a therapist might need to address – and I recognize there are other important issues – it all turns on authenticity. Whatever else will be accomplished must be connected to the emergence of an authentic self. For example, you can’t have a useful discussion about bringing a math grade up until the relevance of math, and the significance of a math grade has been effectively examined. Until then, it’s no more than a so-called “goal.”

Let me be clear, goals have no punch if their personal relevance has not been explored. This need not be a touchy, feely discussion revolving around emotional vagaries. But something needs to come from the heart, and until there is some emotional energy flowing from a young person, a therapist might as well be talking to him or herself. Making authenticity the focal point of therapy is to ensure that both people are fully in the room. The reason that conversations addressing authenticity are so intense and exciting is because they feel like the sort of encounter we are always searching for, but rarely have. It’s what human beings really want – despite what TV and other forms of chatter tell us.

Working with young people has taught me that as powerful as words are, images also play an evocative and dynamic role. Along those lines, it is my plan to begin facilitating experiential photography workshops for adolescents this summer. My first college degree was in photography, and I have never lost a passion for the power of photography to capture one’s personal vision. It is my hope to use photography as a means of exploring key adolescent themes, and as a starting point for group conversations. The sophistication of young people promises to make this type of group work productive, creative, and powerful! This is a new venture for me and it feels like something I need to do. It feels as though this endeavor is an expression of my own inclination to connect through creativity and art.

Do you agree with me that the next generation seems more intent on an authentic life? I certainly believe so. Whether it is because they have grown up in a world saturated with artifice, or because packaged careers have all but disappeared, I see the next generation as more intent on living a life congruent with their core values. (Applause). They are relentlessly critiqued for being self-absorbed, and it is true that an infinity of selfies appears to confirm their fascination with their own self-image. But I think this is the beginning rather than the end of a conversation about the next generation. I’m not sure whether the next generation sees something more, or is simply searching for something more. I just know that their fascination with images, and with trying to capture their experience through photographs, is encouraging.

Now two decades into the work of psychology, I feel more interested than ever in knowing who’s looking back at me. I’ve never felt more excited about getting to work each day. I’ve never felt as though words had more consequence, and that authentic interaction could be the centerpiece of a life well lived.

Best School Video Ever!

Posted on June 9, 2014 by Adam Cox

Must see video from one of my favorite schools! Isn’t this how we want all students to feel about school…I think so!

Play is the Work of Children

Posted on May 24, 2014 by Adam Cox

Play occupies life before work does, and is in ways a primer for work. As cleverly observed by philosopher Alain de Botton, children gravitate toward characters who are “shopkeepers, builders, cooks or farmers – people whose labor can easily be linked to the visible betterment of human life.” In this way, children’s books help facilitate the conversion of playfulness into industry that can be observed and practically measured. As the prospective roles of adulthood come into sharper focus, the ideals of young people often hover over work that is expressive, and which results in a visible and admirable outcome. Most young people are eager for admiration, and being admired is a key source of compensation for working in the first place.

“Monstrous Children”

Posted on May 19, 2014 by Adam Cox

Modern children face an unfortunate fact. For all the love and attention we lavish on them, hardly a soul takes them seriously. Further, despite abundant indulgence and protection provided to middle-class children, in particular, few are given anything significant to do, because few adults believe there is very much they can do. Accordingly, their serious thoughts on matters of daily consequence are rarely invited. I suspect that the suggestion that this is a problem may strike some as absurd. Yet the loud repercussions of this state of affairs are considerable, and we should address how this imbalance now colors the temperament of childhood. Usually, our society focuses intensely on the effect, while paying less attention to the cause of children’s behavior. So there is ample discussion of the most pressing problems: poor attitude, impulsive self-gratification, aggression, and elements of depression. It is not my intention to suggest that such syndromes don’t exist, because they do, hindering the harmony to which most families and classrooms aspire.

The above is an excerpt from my recently published essay, On Monstrous Children.

I wanted to share this in relation to an interesting story from Canada about a restaurant offering patrons a discount for well behaved children! Some might object to this policy on the grounds that it unfairly penalizes parents of children with behavioral disabilities. True. But in my view, the more significant issue is to understand why children misbehave in the first place – much of the reason has to do with being given little or no respect. We could have a massive and collective effect on child behavior if we changed the way we talk to kids. Our speech is the most important indicator of respect, and too often we talk to kids like they are second class citizens.

Do Manners Make Kids Dull?

Posted on May 16, 2014 by Adam Cox

Miss Manners

I came across this thoughtful piece on manners during childhood in The Guardian. Nice analysis of how a person’s socioeconomic class can make manners feel “suffocating.” Do others feel the same? Not sure. I know that I was raised to believe in manners, and I rely on them as a basic form of civility in being with others. I wonder, if manners truly make us dull, is civility out of style? I get how a person might enjoy feeling irreverent and spontaneous, but as I reflect on the various interactions in a typical day, I can’t imagine the awkwardness if I decided to dispense with manners. And if you bypass this learning in childhood, where would you ever discover these reflexes as an adult?

Relationship and Relevance Win Every Time!

Posted on May 13, 2014 by Adam Cox

It’s that time of the year when psychologists like myself are doing end of the year, academic consultations at schools. The focus is on trying to summarize the progress of the current school year, and set goals for the next year. Inevitably, there is lots of emphasis on grades, and especially, the results of any psychological testing that has been done.

But let me tell you from two decades of experience that preoccupation with learning differences and disabilities masks a deeper truth about the most important thing that goes on in a classroom: relationship and relevance.

First, effective teaching is built on a student’s positive and reciprocal relationship with his or her teacher. There must be mutual respect – this is the important business to be addressed the first few weeks of school. A student must believe he or she can go to a teachewr with a problem, and that she or he will be treated fairly if there is a conflict. Mostly, students want to belive that their teachers love them! Does this sound unreasonable? Sorry, but it’s true! In this case, love means respect – and it is communicated through our voices, facial expressions, and words. Don’t fight it, just do it! Learn to pay keen attention to your non-verbal communication.

The second big issue is relevance. When school has meaning and personal relevance, students dive in with enthusiasm. For example, being allowed to pick the books you read is an important way to build relevance, and to motivate reading. It’s also critical to help students relate what they are learning back to their own lives. This means school has to make space for students to tell aspects of their personal stories. When students are encouraged to use language in this way, we help them to integrate diverse experiences; to make their lives and learning more coherent. There are somethings that have to be spoken aloud before they fully make sense.

For most students, “the most important subject is me.” A meaningful education has more gravity and staying power. It improves memory, and boosts effort. It fuels student engagement – and makes school a place to learn about life, as well as facts.

Every facet of a community should support relationship and relevance. As important as it might be to have psycho-educational assessments, incentives for good marks, and tutoring programs, at the end of the day nothing beats relationship and relevance for results and happiness!

Biggest Myth About ADHD

Posted on May 12, 2014 by Adam Cox

In a world where ADHD is everywhere, many of us have accepted a short attention span, distractibility, and restlessness as the new norm. We may worry about younger generations, but the worry is mostly misplaced. Young people are carving the world in their own image. Twenty years from now, I suspect few will be talking about ADHD as a pressing concern. For the time being, however, concern abounds. What should we do about all these kids who require medication to get through the school day? What should we think about kids who can’t tolerate boredom; who need constant stimulation?

The first thing to realize is that attention doesn’t entirely live in your brain. That’s the biggest myth about ADHD. Attention lives in the spaces between us. It is far more social than most of us realize. This is precisely why highly inattentive kids can pay attention in some contexts, but not others. If we want to command the attention and focus of children, we have to strategically manage the social space between us and them. This means managing the tone and tempo of interaction. On an intuitive level, you already know this. Think about the last time you had to listen to a speaker that was tone-deaf, who seemed oblivious to the audience. In my professional development programs for teacher, I emphasize the management of tone and tempo because it is the critical fist step in working with 21st century kids. You have to know how to alter the volume, pitch, and pace of your speech, so you effectively connect with kids. It also helps to be aware of non-verbal communication like body language and physical proximity. These critical layers of communication set the table for learning – and they are the tools of master teachers!. You can be a master of content, but until you address core communication signals, attention will drift.

Talking to Students About Bullying

Posted on May 8, 2014 by Adam Cox

There is no assembly topic more appealing to a majority of schools than bullying prevention. The reasons why are, sadly, obvious. Equally sad, however, is that schools so often approach this topic in a blunt, moralistic manner that alienates young people, rather than motivating them. For example, a speaker who talks over students, or who thinks that a few lame jokes will help kids relate to him.

Another mistake: saying the same old thing about “standing up to bullies.” Who doesn’t already know this is what he or she is supposed to do? Why not talk to kids about why a person doesn’t always make the right choice? I believe students want to understand the psychology of their own generation.Confronting a bully often requires a person to overcome fear and doubt. For many, these are super-human attributes. A person needs practice getting in touch with those kinds of feelings. .

For schools, and student life leaders, it comes down to reframing the challenge at hand. If we want students to join the momentum to stop bullying, it is imperative to associate that effort with positive attributes. We should spend more time talking about empathy, citizenship, and civility, than bullying. It’s better and more effective to teach with a clear image of the ideal, than repeated warnings about the problem.

It’s also important to know and tell the truth. For example, we like to say that “no one likes bullies.” But that’s not true. Research has established that bullies can be quite popular – in no small part because they often confront adults, which impresses other kids. I also worry that the incessant focus on bullying, gives cruel behavior an undeserved degree of status.

Talking to kids over and over about “responsibility” is a snooze, if not condescending. They already get it! Almost every student knows that bullying is wrong. The great majority know bullying when they see it. The reason people do not enact a positive behavior when they see bullying is not because they don’t understand the right choice. It’s because deep down inside they don’t feel right about acting on that choice. That is the supreme challenge of bullying intervention programs. How do we make it easier for students to feel strong, confident, and capable at the critical moment?

Hint: The stories we tell kids about those situations have to be linked to community ideals about love, respect, and shared responsibility for one another.

And it’s also about practice, and an ongoing dialogue with students. Even a great annual school assembly is not nearly so valuable as a dozen short conversations throughout the school year. At present, most anti-bullying programs get way too moralistic, with an ominous tone of condemnation. Let’s save those talks for individual perpetrators – in the principal’s office. The tone for the larger student body should be more joyous, more affirmative, and more instructive with respect to community standards. The intensity and prevalence of bullying fades, when it becomes cooler and more satisfying to live differently.

ideas on youth

Rhyme, Reason and Purpose in Childhood & Adolescence

Girls